visitation

i'm just thinking that if a random stranger found this blog... lol. lol lol.

bleed

120902:

thin wrists thinner skin
skin paler than each of them thin
veins too bluegreen underneath
wakeful reminders of fragility of life

120916:

do you not see the misery stitched into my skin,
that hides beneath that shine of my eyes
i feel haunted
or hollowed out
gravity working best with my heart
making it so heavy in my chest

i imagine how would it feel to bleed out, how it'd feel to have it seep out of my from my wrists, how it would look on my sheets and blankets and if the blood would pool or would my bed just suck it up.

dare

i am very scared that someone might tell me to go die or to kill myself. what if that is the excuse i need to justify the action?

i am being too dramatic. if it happened, i would probably do nothing. i will be shaken up, of course i would be, and i would think about it a little more often, and then do nothing.

i am still very scared.

counting

every instance i wake up is a +1 tally to the number of days i did not die.

in

i think i have to learn to believe this loneliness in me is forever. that i will always go back to this feeling. am i giving up hope or am i being realistic? i don't know. if it's the former, i think i'm giving up too soon, but if it's the later, then it's good i'm starting now.

should i start preparing myself? because it's better to be prepared and then be proven otherwise, than having my hopes shattered in the end. but that's cowardly, and i know how cowardly i am.

a mental fight against cowardice. i'm as pathetic as it sounds.