in

i think i have to learn to believe this loneliness in me is forever. that i will always go back to this feeling. am i giving up hope or am i being realistic? i don't know. if it's the former, i think i'm giving up too soon, but if it's the later, then it's good i'm starting now.

should i start preparing myself? because it's better to be prepared and then be proven otherwise, than having my hopes shattered in the end. but that's cowardly, and i know how cowardly i am.

a mental fight against cowardice. i'm as pathetic as it sounds.

space

sometimes i feel so dead empty. i've made this image or analogy or whatever before, but sometimes it feels like my glass is half full, but the top is full and the bottom is empty. and no matter how much love or entertainment or whatever is poured into the cup for the contents to close the gap between it and the bottom, the bottom will never be reached. there is that gap. and sometimes that gap is so, so small because of love and happiness and contentment and friendship and beauty and things feeling right that i forget that it even exists. but then sometimes it's just everything i feel. that deadness, that emptiness, that space where air can blow and dust can pick up. that dullness of my heart beating and the tears that i can't hold back no matter how embarrassed and undeserving i am tell me that i am in fact not hollow, only the bottom of my cup is.