bleed

120902:

thin wrists thinner skin
skin paler than each of them thin
veins too bluegreen underneath
wakeful reminders of fragility of life

120916:

do you not see the misery stitched into my skin,
that hides beneath that shine of my eyes
i feel haunted
or hollowed out
gravity working best with my heart
making it so heavy in my chest

i imagine how would it feel to bleed out, how it'd feel to have it seep out of my from my wrists, how it would look on my sheets and blankets and if the blood would pool or would my bed just suck it up.

dare

i am very scared that someone might tell me to go die or to kill myself. what if that is the excuse i need to justify the action?

i am being too dramatic. if it happened, i would probably do nothing. i will be shaken up, of course i would be, and i would think about it a little more often, and then do nothing.

i am still very scared.

counting

every instance i wake up is a +1 tally to the number of days i did not die.

in

i think i have to learn to believe this loneliness in me is forever. that i will always go back to this feeling. am i giving up hope or am i being realistic? i don't know. if it's the former, i think i'm giving up too soon, but if it's the later, then it's good i'm starting now.

should i start preparing myself? because it's better to be prepared and then be proven otherwise, than having my hopes shattered in the end. but that's cowardly, and i know how cowardly i am.

a mental fight against cowardice. i'm as pathetic as it sounds.

space

sometimes i feel so dead empty. i've made this image or analogy or whatever before, but sometimes it feels like my glass is half full, but the top is full and the bottom is empty. and no matter how much love or entertainment or whatever is poured into the cup for the contents to close the gap between it and the bottom, the bottom will never be reached. there is that gap. and sometimes that gap is so, so small because of love and happiness and contentment and friendship and beauty and things feeling right that i forget that it even exists. but then sometimes it's just everything i feel. that deadness, that emptiness, that space where air can blow and dust can pick up. that dullness of my heart beating and the tears that i can't hold back no matter how embarrassed and undeserving i am tell me that i am in fact not hollow, only the bottom of my cup is.

things to think about

does death deserve respect

and

do i think of death too lightly?

i know this

no matter how much you hate me, i will always hate myself more.

i think i have a penchant for dramatics. i don't really know. it's hard being objective about oneself.

sans titre

everyday is kind of like trying to decide who i hate more: people or myself.

different kind of weird

i feel weird. not sad, not happy, not angry, not disappointed, not restless, not satisfied, not dissatisfied. something like i feet like i wanted to pass out when i was taking a shower. like, when i was in the shower, i was fine. but now i feel like i should have. it's not the feeling of wanting to pass out that i'm feeling. it's that thought process and lazy desire behind it.

guilty

i don't want to feel guilty about eating.

this is the first time i've ever talked about this... issue? or whatever.

remember

don't be afraid to live so much. you deserve to experience the good things that come with life, as well as the bad. you'll be okay.

fake

(still strangely in a general good mood. went a bit wooooooeeewoooeewooo during/after history tutorial, but that's to be expected. but anyway.)

i feel fake? not fake; just... i think people overestimate me. i don't know as much as you think i do, i'm not as smart as you think i am. those kind of things. and it's almost like the more i'm told i'm these rather nice and good things, i feel worse. i don't know if i do it on purpose or not, but it's like i have to make sure i don't get caught up in the praise or something because i'm not that good. i'm really don't think i am.

i'm hungry.

weird

i've been, like, happy/content for over a week and it's great and beautiful but weird since i'm never this good for this long? i hope i'm not jinxing it or something, but really, happiness is beautiful and all that shit.

like,

i really really would like to die

ok

like what the fuck am i doing alive even really

lol

still not done the paper because i'm an idiot. but anyway.

sometimes (all the time) i just want to ask the people i love the most if they eventually would be okay if i died.
maybe me living so i don't hurt other people's feelings is an excuse. i really don't know if i want to live or die. i just say i want to die because it's easiest.
but i do think i want to die a lot of the times idk.
i don't know how to be objective about my death any more.

i might fail two classes, one is a full year class worth 6 units and the other just a regular one semester 3 unit class. idk what to do if i do fail.
i keep saying i need to go to summer school, but i just want to take this money and leave for a while, but i don't know if running away or whatever this is right for me to do. idk if i want to do this to run away from things, or if i want to do it to make me, like, feel better or believe in life again or something.
i just really want to see the ocean. and smell it. and feel the wind blow against my face~~~~

i'm fucking pathetic. not even pathetic, just not worthy of anything really. i need to do something with myself because i'm being an asshole, sitting here with these dumb feelings, wishing that my life and its privileges went to someone more deserving. like, A+ asshole.

i want time to stop for a few days so i can fix this dumb situation i put myself into in regards to school, but linna life doesn't work like that, so live with the consequences of your dumb self. sigh sigh.

this world isn't meant for sensitivity like yours. LOL LINNA YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

ugh

man i'm a fucking idiot i should've just done the paper thursday night/friday morning. now it's saturday, a day late, 10% off, and my bro is coming home today to visit but i HAVE to get it done today because i can't afford 15% off fuck you dumb fuck

stop

what the fuck am i doing, man? i'm slacking so hard re: school. it's 11:05 PM and i have a paper due at noon tomorrow and i haven't even finished researched, but i'm laying in bed, lights off, lamp on, thinking of going to bed. 5% off if i hand it in after 12 PM tomorrow, then 5% everyday. i need to do well on this because i fucked up and slept in for the midterm for this course and this is a full year course but like i'm worried that i might fail this course but WHY CAN'T I MUSTER THE FUCKING MOTIVATION TO GET THIS DONE IT'S NOT EVEN HARD. i'm a fucking idiot.

this is stunning:



HILDA - Abstraction rouge. Tirage pérenne “Fine Art” TIPEA sur papier Hahnemühle Museum Etching 350g, série limitée à 40

lol

nothing like a good reality check. i've got it great. really.

pretty

sometimes i feel pretty

huhu

i am a lot more humorous and lighthearted about it tho LOL

fly

i still want to die when i'm high. how sad.

tired

idk how many times i talk about hating myself without people getting tired about it. like, what do people see in me/why are people (still) friends with me? idgi tbh. except for sh i'll call her. i don't need to explain it because i know. she's still too good for me, but i don't even feel that way. i just think that, and that is why she's so wonderful. i should feel that she's too good for me, and she is, but i don't. lol ok

found

i wonder if lonely people purposely look for other lonely people. if they just know whether that person is lonely too.

study

i like thinking of switching majors and doing something with architecture and/or design instead. it's just so nice, you know~ i haven't got a clue about how schooling for either works, but it's just a thought so it's cool.

pew pew more fashunz

carven:





and then i got lazy huphuppppppp bye

fashunz

finally looking at fall 2012 rtw collections. like, i really haven't looked at any because i wanted to ~dedicate my time and attention~ to it properly and i guess today is it.

nina ricci:



ann demeulemeeester:



etc etc etc i'm just lazy to post more here w/e

daul kim

still reading through her blog. i wonder if the peace i feel going through it is at her expense.

2009/08/09

.

dont people understand

last stages

are

more

calm?


do you really think

im happy ?

posted by daul at 2:58 PM

yo man

i really haven't been ok this week

it's like some different kind of not okay and it's weird and frightening

i think i'm writing this post like this because i've been going through daul kim's blog for the last hour or so. idk i guess people might say i'm relating to a dead woman, and yes she's dead, but that doesn't mean those feelings and thoughts and everything she had are too.

i didn't mean to make a statement with that. i really am copying her blogging style rn but i've just finished crying so whatever

i wrote that like half an hour ago. i went to do my make up cuz my skin is really shitty lately

it's really nice actually ~blogging~ without any followers or whatever. if you are reading this, please don't tell me you are. i will no longer be expressing myself as i want but instead to an audience. you'd hear a different me

that's that. got to go to school. this history paper is fucking with my psyche. had a mini panic attack or some shit on tuesday because of it and idk it's kind of silly

i'm doing well in japanese and linguistics tho. i'd be doing well in soc if i didn't sleep in for my midterm.

excerpt from The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy

“Rahel,” Ammu said, “do you realize what you have just done?

Frightened eyes and a fountain looked back at Ammu.

“It’s all right. Don’t be scared,” Ammu said. “Just answer me. Do you?”

“What?” Rahel said in the smallest voice she had.

“Realize what you’ve just done?” Ammu said.

Frightened eyes and a fountain looked back at Ammu.

“D’you know what happens when you hurt people?” Ammu said. “When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That’s what careless words do. They make people love you less.”

and also

i'm not okay

shoulda

and your head’s in the ocean
too deep to know where you’re going
hoping time can be frozen
and you’ll end up where you really belong

but the days keep on rolling
we live in different moments
and our hurt is unfolding
everyday that we do and we don’t

still i walked when i shoulda run
and i ran when i shoulda walked
and don’t i know it
and don’t i know it

lol me

i want to die when i'm happiest. at this moment, i don't think that'll ever change.

this layout is noisy as fuck, but i don't know how to fix it any more. it's not like i frequent this place anyway.